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Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Every once in a while you come across a claymation picture that just encapsulates everything. Someone in the UK created this one, which shows the Queen and Prince Andrew visiting the nearest ATM to get cash to settle the suit brought against Andy by Virginia Giuffre.

Image
“Andrew, this is the LAST time I’m going to do this…”

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Last week we ran a post about lock-down beards. Alaina Demopoulos at The Daily Beast has a somewhat different take on the issue, and is well worth a read. Says Demopoulos: “With our new face-mask reality, it’s nearly impossible to pull one off.” You can read her article here.

 

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Pills

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Lockdown Disorders VII (DSM-VII)

Zoomarensis Nocturnitas
The most common variants of this disease take the form of delusions, hallucinations or nightmares in which the patient imagines he is surrounded by the disembodied heads of persons known in waking life, usually from the office. As these hallucinations progress, the talking heads appear to increase in number, and ultimately all of them begin to speak at once in a mass of unintelligible voices. Affiliated symptoms include cold sweats, respiratory difficulties, paranoia, delusions, and, when the sufferer finds that he cannot “mute” any of the talking heads, eventual insanity. The Lancet and the New England Journal of Medicine have reported mutations of this disease, such as googlehangoutatitis and retrograde skyperrhea. Extreme cases can result in unusual symptoms such as a pixelophobia, which is the acute fear of computer screens. No cure exists.

Primenesia Gravis
This disease is caused by the bezosia jeffus bacillus (definitely cone-shaped), which is thought to have made the jump to humans in the jungles of the Amazon. Teams from the Center for Disease Control theorize that bezosia jeffus entered the United States on the surface of a cardboard box left on someone’s front porch. Symptoms range from mild to severe, but all involve variants of the obsessive/compulsive ordering goods on the internet followed by a complete loss of memory of having ordered anything at all. The incubation period can be short as the time it takes to look at “Today’s Deals.” Some acute cases have resulted in creditcardiac arrest following subsequent delivery of regular mail.

Necrotizing Fascistitis
This virus was originally spread by television advertisements on Fox News for the sale of nutritional supplements and gold bullion, but has now been found to be readily transmissible by Fox News hosts, who can infect anybody. Once the human body has been infected, the virus swiftly infects all brain cells, eventually resulting in the clinical death of most of the host’s brain functions. In no case, however, has the victim’s desire or ability to buy guns and ammunition been impaired. The disease has a very short incubation period of around four hours, spread across prime time on weeknights. After the host becomes clinically brain-dead, they will suddenly be revitalized and will wake up and exhibit hyperactive, zombie-like behavior. This includes an intense desire to visit state legislatures while armed with M-16’s. If caught early enough, the progress of necrotizing fascistitis can be slowed, and in some cases reversed, by nightly injections of 50 cc’s of rachelmaddowsevir, or, in the alternative for bad cases, very small doses (5 milligrams or less) of the very powerful keitholbermanatastin.

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Places You'll Go

Note how young McGurk’s placement of elephants complies with CDC recommendations on social distancing.

Oh, the Places You Won’t Go!
by Paul G. Neilan (styled after Dr. Seuss)

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
And you thought you could go
Any direction you choose.

But then something happened
To up-end your plan:
Folks started dying
In a place called Wuhan.

With your shoes full of feet and your head full of brains,
You shouldn’t have to worry ’bout buses and planes.
In Wu-han things happen, and frequently do,
To folks who eat bats and pangolins too.

You never eat bat, so no need to take fright.
Kudlow said “We’ve contained this, pretty close to airtight.”
And the president asked “Why the long faces?
“It’s one guy from China, and just fifteen cases.
“I alone can fix it,” said Trump, like a hero.
“Inside of a week, I’ll bring that to zero.”
Our very stable genius said “Yes, we’re the best!
“And anybody who wants to can get their own test!”

Then Trump got real testy, and nasty, and grouchy
When warnings kept coming from Anthony Fauci.
Fauci said, “Of test kits we’ll need to get millions,
“Or the economy stands to lose multiple trillions.
But his warnings fell on deaf ears autocratic,
Which can happen when spreaders are a-symptomatic.

“Mr. Trump,” Fauci said, “it’s a danger, it’s a fact.
“You’ve got to trigger the Defense Production Act.
“I’m sorry to say, sir, but sadly, it’s true,
“That plagues and pandemics can happen to you.
“We’ll get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch
“With the GDP cratered and the Dow in a lurch.”

Then Trump said to Fauci “Don’t worry, don’t stew.
“Each year tens of thousands die from the flu.
“No,” said Trump, “you’re just a big whiner.
“I know what to do. I could do nothing finer,
“Than slap a big ban on travel from Chiner.

“Just look,” said Trump, “at that high S&P!
“And if things go south, I’ll just blame it on Xi.
“By April, you’ll see, when the weather gets right,
“This will all blow away like an old paper kite.”

Then he turned on his heels, pleased by his retort,
And flew off to play golf at a nice Trump Resort.

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Trump Pout 4

No one would ever accuse our esteemed president of being a sensitive soul. But his comments over the past few years lead us to believe that he’s losing sensitivity in his hands and fingertips.

Just yesterday he said he “feels very badly” for Paul Manafort. Back in 2017, Trump said he felt “very badly” for his ex-national security advisor Michael T. Flynn, who pleaded guilty to lying to the FBI.

Before Michael Cohen flipped on Trump, the president also said he “felt badly” for his former attorney.

Since the Prez has such a very, very large brain, and he’s like, really really smart, and he has the best words, he’s not one to miss the difference between “feel” the linking verb and “feel” the action verb. If Trump felt bad about Manafort, Flynn and Cohen, he would no doubt have told us. After all, he’s not one for holding back on how he feels about something.

But if he’s feeling badly, then he won’t be able to find Manafort, Flynn or Cohen if the lights suddenly go out.

He’s told the world he’s a stable genius. But is he really bragging that he’s good with horses?

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phonebooth

Traditional technology, superhuman application.

I was on the road yesterday and realized how we’ve come full circle on payphones, that ancient technology (before the era of the cellphone) that enabled everybody to stay in touch, more or less. It even gave rise to new idioms that are still in use, even though the machinery that gave rise to them is long gone. In the 21st Century, you can’t “drop the dime” on somebody (i.e., call the authorities to report somebody for a crime) because there’s nowhere to drop the dime. Payphones used to cost a dime, but where is there a payphone around now? The county jail?

In the old-style payphone, like the ones Superman used to avail himself of, you’d go into a phone booth and close the folding glass door to shut out a bit of the street noise. In other words, you’d rent the phone for a dime, and the booth was free. (Why did Clark Kent think that changing in a phone booth, with clear glass panes, would help maintain his secret identity? It’s one of the Great Mysteries of the 20th Century.)

phonebooth_2

Some people really liked phone booths. 

Then the booths went away and were replaced with phone kiosks: a payphone surrounded by a big metal hood that might give you a little protection from the rain, but not much.

Then came the era of the cellphone, and payphones gradually went the way of the crossbow, the walled city and the eight-track tape.

Now, we’re in the era of the road warrior, but even a warrior needs a quiet space for an important call every now and then. Enter the rent-a-quiet-booth business. In coffee shops and malls and airports you may see these brightly colored booths with plush seating, outlets for your charger and USB ports. They put the old-style phone booth to shame. You rent them by the hour, and they claim to be soundproof (or close to it).

And thus we’ve come full circle. In the old days the booth was free and you rent the phone. Now you rent the booth and bring your own phone. And it costs a lot more than a dime.

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trump

New Donald Trump LE Six-Shooter boasts a groundbreaking windage adjustment technology.

In further support of GOP nominee Donald Trump’s candidacy for the presidency, and in particular his positions on the Second Amendment, the National Rifle Association has commissioned a new Limited Edition Trump Six-Shooter. In addition to regular iron sights, the accuracy of the handgun is enhanced by long orange fibers attached to the barrel that, when unfurled, indicate both wind speed and direction, as pictured above. The fibers can be combed over and tucked behind the ejection rod on the cylinder when not in use.

Though revolutionary in concept, the design follows in the traditional footsteps of the finest Colts and Remingtons that removed so many Bad Hombres from the Old West. But by far the most unique feature of the new LE Trump Six-Shooter is that, no matter where you point it, you wind up shooting yourself in the foot. It’s expected to be available on November 9.

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There are a few odd parallels between Donald Trump and the Roman Emperor Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, more commonly known as Caligula. Here’s a likeness (supposedly) of the late emperor:

Bust of the Roman Emperor Caligula. Note the grotesque hairpiece, antiquity's answer to a comb-over.

Bust of the Roman Emperor Caligula. Note the grotesque hairpiece, antiquity’s answer to a comb-over. Another funny hairpiece appears on his breastplate armor, and scholars believe this to be a depiction of Rosius O’Donellus, a comedienne of ancient Rome.

Just like the current Republican establishment and media punditocracy, all of whom predicted that Trump would never get the Republican nomination, Caligula’s immediate predecessor, Tiberius, had a soothsayer named Thrasyllus who said that Caligula had

“no more chance of becoming emperor than of riding a horse across the Bay of Baiae [now known as the Gulf of Naples].”

So, in A.D. 39 Caligula ordered a temporary floating bridge of ships to be built across that bay. It stretched more than two miles from one side to the other.  Caligula then rode his favorite horse, Incitatus, across the pontoon bridge.

The Roman historian Suetonius wrote that after this exploit Caligula addressed the crowds that had assembled on the shore to watch the spectacle:

“That was YUUUUUUGGGE! Nobody builds a better pontoon bridge than I do, not even Xerxes crossing the Hellespont! In fact, if Xerxes were alive today I could teach him everything he needs to know about bridges, because I’m a builder. Builders, they build things, know what I mean? ‘Cause I’m a really smart guy! And I’m a really rich guy, too! And if you think this bridge was good, I’m going to build an even bigger bridge, right across the Mediterranean! And I’ll make the Carthaginians pay for it! After all, they’re not sending us their best. They’re thieves. They’re rapists. Though some, I assume, are good people. And those Carthaginians will still love me! I”m tellin’ ya! We’re going to win so much, Rome is going to get sick and tired of winning all the time!”

Caligula subsequently appointed his horse, Incitatus, as Consul of the Roman Empire.

And here we are in 2016, where the United States is damn close to electing a jackass President.

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Tickle-Me-Rubio Doll shown wearing "Primary" wardrobe set (not included).

Tickle-Me-Rubio Doll shown wearing “Primary” wardrobe set (not included).

Establishments-R-Us Toymakers have issued an immediate recall notice on all Tickle-Me-Rubio Dolls. The notice stated that Tickle-Me-Rubio represents a choking hazard – not to children under five years of age, but rather before a live audience.

Originally invented by entrepreneurial Cuban immigrants to the United States, the bright and chipper looking doll’s main feature was to issue a series of pre-recorded statements whenever a child asked it a question. Accessories were also available, such as the dark suit and red tie “Primary” wardrobe (see illustration above).

Tickle-Me-Rubio surprised many toy industry analysts back in 2009 when, during a very competitive holiday marketing season that November, it took on and outsold the highly popular Charlie Crist and Lucy political football kit, in which the Lucy doll would hold the political football for the Charlie Crist doll and then pull it away just as he’s about to get elected. Sales of Tickle-Me-Rubio in the Florida market were particularly strong.

All of Tickle-Me-Rubio’s prerecorded statements were vetted before focus groups so that they would be appealing no matter who was in hearing range, and they were designed to be vague enough to sound like an answer to the child’s question, even if the response was completely irrelevant. “Something went wrong in the Tickle-Me-Rubio brain center,” an Establishments-R-Us spokesman said. “The doll could only make one statement over and over again.”

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Domesticated, at Steppenwolf through February 7, 2016

Domesticated, at Steppenwolf through February 7, 2016

Melanie Neilan plays the role of Casey, the daughter of a scandal-plagued politician, in Steppenwolf’s Domesticated. The synopsis:

Politician Bill Pulver faces the cameras to stumble his way through a carefully crafted apology as his wife Judy stands stoically behind him…. but what is she REALLY thinking? We are about to find out in Bruce Norris’s wickedly funny, unpredictable play about a marriage burst apart by a sex scandal. This scathing, wildly entertaining play investigates gender politics, modern marriage and the sexual mysteries of the animal kingdom.

Melanie Neilan, as Casey in Steppenwolf's Domesticated.

Melanie Neilan, as Casey in Steppenwolf’s Domesticated.

 

Tom Irwin as Bill Pulver, with his daughters, Cassidy (Emily Chang, left) and Casey (Melanie Neilan)

Tom Irwin as Bill Pulver, with his daughters, Cassidy (Emily Chang, left) and Casey (Melanie Neilan)

 

Mary Beth Fisher, Meg Thalken and Melanie Neilan in Steppenwolf's Domesticated

Mary Beth Fisher, Meg Thalken and Melanie Neilan in Steppenwolf’s Domesticated

“This is, for sure, a very juicy play, a savvy discussion-starter,” Chicago Tribune 

Domesticated is as funny and grotesque as we know Norris can be,” Chicago Critic 

“…a sensational cast of 14, “Domesticated” puts a more diverse 21st century twist on Edward Albee’s emasculating “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf,” Chicago Sun Times

Check out the trailers here.

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